Five Stages of Unemployment

Denial – I haven’t heard from any recruiters for days and none of my applications have been successful, but it’s ok! It’s early days yet/they’re out of the office/they’ve fallen over at the amount of talent pouring from my CV/their phones have a problem/they can’t remember how to email.I have time to find something, I don’t want to run into the first place that shows any interest unless it’s totally right.  I’ve not been unemployed for this long just to rush into a job I’ll hate and want to leave after a month.

No, there’s plenty of time. It’s like when you lose your keys and you stop looking for them, then BAM! you find them. I’m sure it’s the same with jobs. I’ll stop looking for a little while. I’ll set myself a new goal. Like triathlon or watching all 11 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy. Anger – When the recruitment agency fiiiinally bother to call or email: “it’s really close to you,” means just a tram, three trains, a sprint through the scary estate and a hike through the mountains to get to it.

Shockingly bad spelling and grammar in job postings. Does your boss know you can’t speak/write English properly?   Better yet when they call you the wrong name. Or say that your fluency in French would be perfect for something on their books (French? Mais Monsieur, je parle un petit peu Français seulement!) or suggest your experience would be great in selling industrial equipment, but won’t admit to being wrong. Just… Ugh.

Bargaining – Maybe I should go for that ridiculous sounding job? I need the money so badly! Maybe I won’t hate it. Maybe the two hours of commuting each way will be worth it. It won’t be too much of a step backwards, it won’t pigeonhole me into only doing that role forevermore.

Depression – Nobody wants me. I’m not a contributing member of society. I’m useless.  It’s so lonely. I never realised how lonely. Everyone you know has jobs and they all work during the week so they’re not able to do fun things with you at 11:30 on a Tuesday. And it’s not like you have a tonne of spare cash either (like, how expensive is one journey on the tube?!?) so you stay home and keep yourself sane by talking to the cat. Some days, until hubby comes home, that’s all the conversation you have. Slowly this becomes the norm and when an invitation does come along you don’t actually want to head out because then you have to face the world and everything is so bright and loud. 

Acceptance – it’s fine. The sofa has claimed me as one of its own and if you think about it, Rapunzel didn’t have it so bad up in her tower. No one will employ me. I’ll just live off air and water and wrap myself up in a blanket so I don’t need the heating. I’ll call it being ‘off the grid’ or Eco-habiting or some bollocks and it’ll be fine until the bailiffs start banging on the door for the repayment of the credit cards.